‘Chapter 03: When Your Beliefs are Wrong’

While it is true that our beliefs make our life much less complicated, it doesn’t mean they always benefit us. Many beliefs can stop us from moving forward with our lives, being creative or feeling happy. When we generalise about ourselves, other people, or the world, there is a tendency to oversimplify. This creates limiting beliefs that cap us at a certain level of success. Self-limiting beliefs hold us back and stop us from even trying.

For example, if you adopt a belief that you are shy and awkward around other people (which would be backed up by plenty of evidence because everyone has shy and awkward moments) you would then start to behave in a way that is consistent with that belief. Even if you wanted to act more confidently and make more friends, you would have difficulty if your belief that you are shy placed a cap on your confidence levels. If you have ever felt stuck in a rut it may be that you set your limits below your ability.

The problems with our beliefs mainly stem from inflexibility and lack of quality. There is no ‘quality control’ process when adopting beliefs; we usually just let them form. The evidence that supports a belief may even be based on a misinterpretation of a past event. Then, once the incorrect belief is formed, our resultant behaviour will simply add to the accumulating evidence and make that belief stronger. Unfortunately, long term beliefs, no matter how disempowering, are rarely challenged as they become an automatic way of thinking. In fact, our long-term beliefs are so ingrained into our personalities that we often don’t even know what they are.

A belief is irrational and disempowering if it goes against our natural desire for happiness and survival. We will experience barriers if our beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world in general are negative. An unquestioned belief acts like a filter over everything we experience. This filter is applied automatically and unconsciously every time we make decisions.

Global beliefs are usually phrased in terms of ‘he or she is…’, ‘I am…’ or ‘they are…’ They are powerful beliefs and if used to describe ourselves or others in a negative light, they can be very damaging. They are usually used as excuses as to why we have not achieved what we would like. Changing just one global belief can dramatically change your life.

Some examples of limiting global beliefs include:

• I’m too old to do that.
• I can’t get fit because I’m not athletic.
• I don’t have enough education.
• I’m never going to change.
• I always screw up.
• She is trying to make me angry.
• He is unfriendly.
• They are a bunch of crooks.
• They would never understand.

Other people’s negative global beliefs about us, especially if reinforced several times, can be even more damaging because we may consider the evidence to be more accurate if it comes from someone else. We are very susceptible to other people’s suggestions. Allowing someone to tell you who they think you are, if it is something you don’t want for yourself, will create mayhem amongst your beliefs.

When my friend Samantha ended a long-term relationship with her partner Tyson, she felt very insecure when taking to people in case she offended them. Throughout their relationship, Tyson often became angry with Samantha and criticised her, which made her doubt her own opinions of herself. With some help from her friends, however, Samantha started to see that she was not such a bad person after all. She worked on strengthening the positive beliefs she had about herself and was soon able to move on with her life and make a number of new friends.

‘Should’ beliefs describe the standards of behaviour that we expect from ourselves and others. The ‘should’ beliefs tend to focus on the fact that we are not meeting our own expectations. As our competence and confidence grow, so do our expectations. Many times the expectations are unreasonable and unnecessary. These beliefs often start out from other people’s expectations, such as our parents telling us that we should go to university to get a good job, or that we should settle down and get married in our twenties, for example. ‘Should’ beliefs create guilt and unhappiness.

Some examples of ‘should’ beliefs include:

• I should not make mistakes.
• I should be treated fairly.
• He should always be on time.
• She should get a better job.

Any disempowering beliefs that you hold about yourself will lower your self-esteem and personal success. If you believe that you cannot achieve a goal, it is very likely that you will not even attempt it. Even if you do attempt the goal, the results you expect (and get) will only ever be as good as your beliefs about yourself will allow. Someone who believes they are a lousy salesperson will not secure as many accounts as someone who thinks they are great at their job, even if they have the same amount of ability.

If you do not achieve a goal that you want, or you are dissatisfied with an area of your life, it is highly likely that there are disempowering beliefs holding you back. To experience success, your beliefs have to be kept as positive as possible, even if they do not seem realistic.