The way we speak and act directly affects the way we feel about our experiences, because we like to have congruence between our actions and our thoughts. When you talk about something, especially to other people, your attitudes become adjusted in line with what you are saying.

The tension you feel when there is a difference between how you feel and how you speak or behave is known as cognitive dissonance. When dissonance occurs, you may, without realising it, adjust your perceptions to bring them in line with what you are saying.

During the Korean War, the Chinese communists were able to get support from many of the U.S. prisoners they held in war camps without using brutality. The way they did it was by initially persuading some prisoners to speak or write trivial statements about communism. Each time individual prisoners were brought in to see the Chinese, they were asked to say things that built on what they had previously said. Over time, many prisoners were speaking publicly about the benefits of communism. This is because the prisoners adjusted their beliefs in line with what they were saying. When the war ended, some prisoners decided to stay with the Chinese, and many more returned home full of praise for communism.

You can use cognitive dissonance to improve your own perception. For one entire day, see if you can talk only about things that you like and that you want in your life. You will find this difficult because negativity is a strong habit. Resolve to keep your conversation free of doubt, fear, anger and criticism. Speak cheerfully and optimistically about each subject you discuss and try also to keep any negative thoughts at bay. The more you speak positively, the sooner it is reflected in the way you think.

I heard a wise person say that you should never talk about your problems unless the person you are talking to will help you resolve them, and you are prepared to take immediate action to make a change. Think about it – who actually wants to hear you whinge and complain, especially if they can’t help?

I used to have a belief that if you share your problems with people then they become closer friends. In reality, while sharing some vulnerabilities with close friends might make you closer, no-one wants to hang out with a whinger. People will listen to your complaints about life, or maybe share a few of their own, but no-one will leave the conversation feeling great for it. If you talk positively to people, about the things that you love in your life, then they will do the same.

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